The Wrong Kind of Hard
By Lisa Miller
My kid can’t do hard things.
My kid gives up too easily.
My kid is a delicate flower.
As a parent coach, I hear this often. As a parent, I have felt this way about my own offspring. Sometimes, it seems like they have no ability to stick with something challenging (or boring). And not just because they have ADHD; I see them struggling with what seem like basic, adulting tasks.
Life is hard. I want to help them cultivate grit and practice resilience. How else are they going to survive and thrive? Instead, I often wind up making them feel inadequate, criticized, and annoyed (mostly with me).
I say things like:
Why didn’t you do your homework?
How come you didn’t clean your room like I asked you to?
When are you going to do your laundry?
Why didn’t you go in at lunch to make up that quiz?
I would characterize the responses to these questions as surly and vague. While it would be nice to have answers, the result of my asking these questions is that we both end up feeling frustrated and annoyed.
I think it’s because these tasks are what we call “non-preferred” tasks, and no one enjoys doing them. They are understimulating, mundane, and boring. These tasks are the wrong kind of hard. They are challenging in the wrong way.
As parents, we may be focusing on the wrong things as well (i.e., our kids’ failure to complete non-preferred tasks). If we shift our lens, there are many examples of our kids being gritty and doing hard things. For example:
When they master a new skill after hours of practice, like finally landing that skateboard trick
When they level up in their video game
When they maintain relationships with judgemental family members
When they learn all the lyrics to a song
When they navigate relationships with adults and teachers who make them feel bad about themselves
When they pursue a hobby, sport, or musical instrument for an extended period
When they show up for a friend in need
When they spend all day teaching themselves something, like how to sew
When they painstakingly curate their social media presence
When they invest time and energy into things that are meaningful to them
We parents don’t always acknowledge these accomplishments. We may not even notice them doing these or other hard things. Or, if we do, we may not think to acknowledge them because we think these are all things they should be doing.
As parents and caretakers, we can (and should) spend more time noticing, and verbally acknowledging, when our children do hard things. It shows them that we see them and see their growth as human beings, and it feels good for us.
Here are some examples of what that might sound like:
I noticed you spent all afternoon showing your sister how to crochet. You were really patient. That must have been hard! I know it’s hard for me to be patient sometimes.
I noticed you listening to your coach after (a crushing loss at) the game. You were really focused. You played hard and you were probably exhausted. That would have been challenging for me. How was it for you?
I saw you played Minecraft until you earned enough points to level up. That was hard and required so much focus and skill. I’m inspired!
You mentioned you’re not hanging out with X anymore because you don’t feel compatible. It must be hard to phase out such a long-standing and important friendship. That feels very brave to me. How do you feel about it?
You mentioned you were understaffed at work and you had to pick up the slack for your co-workers. I bet it was physically and emotionally draining to do that. You showed a lot of strength and determination!
The impact of these observations is tremendous. Not only will our kids be pleasantly surprised (shocked, in some cases), but our comments help foster agency, self-confidence, and self-reliance. They also help our kids identify their own strengths so they can draw on them later, in other circumstances and situations.
Of equal importance, when we notice our kids doing something right, we build our connection with them. And as you know from reading previous posts, connection is our most important parenting strategy.
So, be on the lookout for examples of your child doing hard stuff and challenge yourself to notice that (instead of all the ways they are soft). You’ve got this! You can do hard things! ;-)