Redefining the Launch
By Lisa Miller
As parents, we are no strangers to anxiety. We worry about our kids–some of us more than others–and feel responsible for them from the moment they are born and we hold their cute little bodies in our arms. We do our best to parent them, but this is our first time at everything. We get some things right. Mistakes are made.
Among the many fears we parents entertain (sometimes in the wee hours of the night, sandwiched between our angst about money, politics, and climate change etc. etc) is failure to launch–the notion that our kids will never be equipped to leave the nest. Will they be able to hold down a job? Support themselves? Be in a relationship? Contribute to society? Remember to brush their teeth?? These may be low-volume musings or a cacophony of deafening alarm bells at your kid’s second birthday party. Like many things, parental angst is a spectrum. When we’re not in our lizard brains, we know the transition from adolescence to adulthood doesn't always adhere to a set timetable, and the path to independence is circuitous.
The fact remains: most of us think about the future and feel a biological imperative to prepare our children for said future. The ritual of leaving the house after high school is an integral aspect of the narrative. Not only has it long been considered a rite of passage in this country, but it’s also an indication to you (and your Facebook friends) that you’ve done your job.
But what if it wasn’t? What if leaving the nest at 18 wasn’t a requirement of adulting? What if we focused less on location and more on our kids’ ability to live independently wherever they find themselves?
In many countries around the world, families live in multigenerational units, and multigenerational living is on the rise in the U.S. as well. Though the reasons for staying home may be cultural or economic, our bias might lead us to conclude it is because young adults aren’t capable of independent living. This is a falsehood.
Here’s another thought: given everything we now know about executive function skills and how our brains develop (or don’t fully develop until our mid- to late-twenties), there are undeniable benefits to a softer launch, one where young people can practice adulting in a safe and supportive environment.
As the landscape of growing up continues to evolve, the choice of whether to remain at home or venture out into the vast unknown is becoming a topic of increasing significance for older teens. While societal norms (and parental burnout) may often push for independence and early emancipation, let’s not underestimate the advantages of staying in the comfort of one's familial home during the latter years of adolescence.
Here are some compelling reasons why living at home can be highly beneficial for older teens:
1. Financial stability and savings
Moving out at a young age can be crushingly expensive, especially in the Bay Area! Staying at home allows older teens to save money that would otherwise be spent on sky-high rent, utilities, groceries, and other living expenses. This financial cushion can lay a solid foundation for future endeavors like housing (think first, last, and security deposit), college, or trade school.
2. Emotional support and stability
The teenage years can be, er…tumultuous, filled with academic pressures, social challenges, and personal discoveries. Living at home allows you to provide a stable support system, helping teens navigate these formative years with your guidance and reassurance. Emotional support during this phase can significantly contribute to mental well-being and overall resilience.
3. Opportunity for skill development
Living at home can provide a safe environment for honing essential life skills and executive function skills. From learning about household management and budgeting to developing strong communication and conflict resolution abilities, older teens can gradually build the practical knowledge necessary for independent living in the future.
4. Stronger family bonds
Living under the same roof can foster stronger family connections (it can also drive you crazy). When teens get to spend quality time with their parents, siblings, and extended family members, they nurture relationships that will serve as a valuable support network throughout their lifetime.
5. Focus on personal growth
Staying at home can allow older teens to focus on personal growth and exploration without the immediate responsibilities and distractions that often accompany independent living. This time can be used for self-discovery, pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or exploring potential career paths - all things that organically build executive function skills and encourage self-directed learning!
6. Customized transition to independence
Choosing to remain at home doesn't imply a lack of independence; rather, it offers a gradual transition. Older teens can gradually assume more responsibilities, making informed decisions about their future living arrangements based on their readiness and individual circumstances.
7. Cultural and familial values
For many, staying at home aligns with cultural norms and familial values. It allows us to reinforce traditions, values, and heritage from generation to generation, fostering a sense of belonging and identity. This identity-building often leads to increased resilience.
Ultimately, deciding whether to stay at home or move out is deeply personal and depends on various factors, including individual preferences, familial dynamics, financial considerations, and cultural influences. In a society that glorifies early independence, acknowledging (and normalizing) the advantages of staying at home can empower older teens to make informed choices that align with their long-term goals and well-being.
After all, the path to adulthood is as unique as the individuals walking it, and sometimes, the most enriching journeys start right at home.