Cultivating the Art of Underreacting
By Lisa Miller
How’s it going? You good?
You’re probably here because you are looking for effective parenting strategies. Me too. Maybe you’re also stressed out. I get it. Parenting is chaotic. It’s also amazing, but who knew it would be so much work and so emotionally draining?
How come our kids don’t listen? And why are we repeating ourselves so often?
Does this sound familiar:
Your kid does the thing that you’ve asked them not to do, and you explode:
“What are you doing??? I have told you a million times not to do that! You are pushing my buttons and I am losing my patience. I’ve had enough. Stop that immediately or…(fill in the blank with the lame threat you probably won’t follow through on).”
Maybe you asked them a few (or umpteen) times nicely until you lost your cool. Or maybe you are so exhausted/stretched you went from zero to 100 in record time. It happens. We’ve all been there.
When we overreact, our kids can feel startled, scared, criticized, defensive, embarrassed, called out, etc. Rather than reflecting on their own behavior, they focus on our reaction and how it made them feel. This is counterproductive. It doesn’t foster connection or learning. Two things we care about.
They might even go harder once they realize they can get a reaction from us (remember, kids will take whatever attention they can get from us–even negative attention), or maybe their PDA has been activated. Either way, it’s not the reaction we are looking for.
Instead of over-reacting, try under-reacting*. The first couple of times you do this, your kid might look at you like you’ve sprouted a third eye.
What is under-reacting? Exactly what it sounds like. When they are driving you crazy, instead of telling them all the ways they are annoying you, adopt a cool and non-confrontational demeanor. Some examples might include:
Continue to do whatever it was you were doing when your child went off the rails
Say nothing (like, literally be quiet)
Focus on your breathing
Leave the room (just long enough to curb the momentum)
Change the subject
Do anything that doesn’t call attention to their egregious behavior
At first, this might feel unnatural and challenging, especially if they continue said behavior; but like everything, it gets easier with practice.
What is the “theory” behind underreacting?
It is a co-regulation strategy. It turns down the heat. When we’re upset, it’s easy to co-escalate (mirror our child’s intense emotions). When we co-regulate, we are modeling what it looks like to stay calm. Our kids may follow suit.
It is unexpected. Sometimes, when we depart from the norm, it helps our kids transition to something else.It gives our kiddos valuable processing time. It allows them to reflect on the situation and potentially self-correct. This is the ideal scenario! We want them to flex their metacognitive muscles and be self-directed.
Even if they don’t (yet) self-correct, underreacting reduces the number of negative interactions they have with us. In a world where they are regularly told they are broken and not enough (especially if they are neurodivergent), we want them to feel seen and safe at home.
It creates a sense of stability for our children. And when we do it regularly, we can also provide predictability. Underreactions feel safe and secure compared to when we detonate.
It helps them (by modeling) to develop healthy coping strategies of their own (like when they want to throttle a sibling or cancel a friend).
Alright. You have a new tool. I have witnessed adept parents and educators successfully employ this strategy with children of all ages. Try it out, and let me know how it goes.
*Stating the obvious: if your child is engaged in hurtful, harmful, dangerous, or illegal behavior, underreacting is probably not the appropriate strategy. However, once you’ve posted bail, talking to them calmly about what went wrong and what they learned from the situation will be more effective in the long run than yelling at them (although maybe less gratifying). Okay, I engaged in a bit of hyperbole there, but you get the point.