Our Most Important Parenting Strategy
by Lisa Miller
I admit that I don’t like video games. For a while, I resisted having them in my home. But then I (we) caved. First it was Minecraft, then Fortnite and League of Legends, then Overwatch, then Minecraft again, now Harry Potter…my ADHD children love playing video games. They were excited to share this expeience with me and although I never learned to play (looking back I wish I had), I did spend time watching them play. And they relished that! For me, it was less relishing, more like watching paint dry.
As parents, we spend our waking hours trying to figure out how to raise responsible adults and set our children up for success (whatever that looks like for them). We want them to be well-prepared for whatever life throws their way. Often this means cultivating executive function skills like planning, prioritizing, initiating tasks, sustaining attention, being flexible, persisting, etc. To console myself for the parenting fail of giving into video games, I read articles about how video games build executive function so I could better justify my choice to myself. Turns out they do!
In my work at Classroom Matters, we talk a lot about tools and strategies, gradual-release teaching models, and building agency. But one of our main areas of focus is rapport-building. When a student feels seen, heard, validated and understood by their tutor, that’s when the magic happens. Students who feel connected are more able and likely to accept feedback and advice, try new things, and step outside of their comfort zone. 20+ years of working with literally thousands of students has confirmed the power of this kind of connection.
It makes sense, then, that connecting with our children is the most important and effective parenting strategy we’ve got.
And it’s no surprise–-we all do better when we feel loved and supported. Children are more resilient when they feel a close connection with the adults in their life. According to the Canadian Mental Health Society (and let’s be honest, we all know Canadians are nicer and probably happier than us), there are specific benefits of connecting:
Helps lower anxiety and depression
Helps regulate our emotions
Leads to higher self-esteem and empathy
Promotes cognitive, emotional, and social development
Promotes social and academic success
Improves immune systems
As parents, we may underestimate or neglect the power of connection. We juggle so many responsibilities and we are often exhausted. We think it will take too much time to connect and we have to get dinner on the table and answer eleventeen emails. Let’s not be too hard on ourselves, though. We all fail to connect at times and miss out on bonding opportunities. It’s not about acing it every time. It’s about being thoughtful and deliberate about the ways we do choose to connect.
When we make time to do fun stuff with our kids, it improves our relationships. The only way to build a truly strong bond with your child, so that you have the ability to guide them as they grow older (and recover when you blow it), is through positive, consistent connections. Affirmative interactions are essential for healthy development, even though there are some days when just taking care of our child’s basic needs is all we can do.
At CM, we often tell our clients and ourselves: connect before you correct. And, if you are navigating the often prickly and mind-numbing tween and teen years, this guidance is indispensable. Are you focused more on correcting your child’s behavior than on connecting with them?
Ask yourself (and perhaps your child):
What will my child remember about our relationship?
What are my interactions like with my child?
Are they stressful or contentious?
Am I spending too much energy nagging or complaining?
Is my child sullen, disrespectful, or avoidant?
It may be there is not enough positive connection between you (or it may be they are just a teenager–or both). Some of the ways we can incorporate connection into our daily lives is to express our love for our children with words and physical affection, make time for them, eat meals together, develop rituals and traditions, express interest in their daily lives, and validate their feelings.
Here are some specific ideas for connecting with your kiddos (feel free to share yours in the comments below):
Cook/bake
Move around–work out, jump rope, hike, bike, skateboard, etc.
Watch Youtube/TikTok/etc.
Play board/card games
Watch a make-up tutorial and try it on each other
Go thrifting
Do an art project
Look at family albums - maybe create an ancestry.com account together!
Do a puzzle
Watch a movie or documentary
Build with Legos; build
Listen to a podcast
Garden
Sew
Be tourists in your hometown
Listen to/play music; jam out
Play with/groom pets
Give each other mani/pedis
Read a book they like
Play video games they like
Learn a new skill
Do something (anything) they enjoy
It’s never too late to connect with your child and even small connections can have a big impact. Saying, “I love you” on a regular basis, expressing gratitude, noticing something in a positive way, praising effort–these are all ways to connect that are free and don’t take a lot of time. See if you can incorporate a couple of these suggestions into your life…and get ready for the magic!