How Do I Get My Teen to Stop Smoking Weed?
By Lisa Miller
You don’t.
That’s the short, honest answer.
Feel free to click away.
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Oh, you stayed. Great! Let’s unpack this together.
The reality is that if your child is hellbent on smoking marijuana, they will find a way. No matter how hard you try to stop them. However, there are some things you can do and say that will definitely help your tween/teen make better choices when it comes to drug (and alcohol) use. But, like most things parenting, nothing is simple. Or guaranteed. And, there is no one-size-fits-all approach.
Whether or not your child uses marijuana depends on a variety of factors. Here are a few to consider:
What kind of kid do you have?
What kind of parent are you?
What are your values about drugs and alcohol?
What are you modeling for your child(ren)?
What is your messaging about drug and alcohol use?
Additionally, not all kids use drugs. The data indicates that 37% of high school students have used marijuana, with one in five (22%) admitting to using it within the past month. These numbers could vary depending on what part of the country you live in and whether marijuana is legal in your state. Here are some more stats from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
However, if you suspect you have a kid who is likely to experiment with drugs (and alcohol) at some point, here are a few important reminders.
First, not all marijuana use leads to the use of harder drugs. The “gateway” theory has been debunked by multiple studies. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, most people who use marijuana do not go on to use other, “harder” drugs. However, people who use marijuana and do go on to use other drugs (including alcohol and tobacco) may have a higher risk of dependence or addiction to those drugs, especially if they started using marijuana at an early age and use it frequently.
Second, not all kids who experiment with drugs and alcohol will become regular users. Some amount of coloring outside of the lines is normal, developmentally appropriate, and even healthy (as long as it doesn’t become a Jackson Pollock painting). Some adolescents try on behaviors modeled by their peers or the adults in their life and then move on. Anecdotally, students have shared with me that they had a phase where they used drugs and then grew out of it. Others may take a longer pit stop or it can become a lifestyle. I also see clients for whom drug use and abuse have become a regular practice and it does not benefit them. As parents and caregivers, this is the scenario we are hoping to avoid.
So, what can we do??
Get clear on your values. How do you feel about drug use? Do you use drugs personally? Have you used drugs in front of your kids? Do your kids know your values and can they accurately state them back to you?
Get clear on your parenting philosophy. Are you a laissez-faire parent, raising free-range kiddos? Are you authoritarian or authoritative? Are you a helicopter or snow-plow parent? Do you believe in a harm-reduction model or zero tolerance? You may be some hybrid model, like me, and it may depend on the situation. It’s important to reflect on it because your parenting style will likely influence how you respond to your child’s drug/alcohol use. Another consideration is your co-parent or lack thereof. Are you and your parenting partner(s) on the same page? Are you making decisions solo?
Get clear on what doesn’t work: “Just say no” isn’t a thing. Neither is “Do as I say, not as I do.” Kids don’t respect platitudes or hypocrisy. Once you’ve lost their respect, it makes it easier for them to rationalize their (poor) choices. Also, while an authoritarian approach might work in the short term, it can make young people more skilled at lying and hiding things. Ditto with drug testing. For some kids, drug testing will work. However, kids who are committed to their use will learn how to cheat the system (they sell products on Amazon to “clean” your urine).
Next, try to incorporate strategies that will help your child think more critically about their choices and that will hopefully deter their drug use, if that is your objective.
Have conversations early and often about drugs and alcohol. Educating your children will not push them to become users. In fact, the opposite may be true (it could deter them). Here are some reasons why you should talk to your kids about it. Additionally, some drug educators encourage parents and caregivers to preach a message of delayed use. This gives young brains and bodies an opportunity to develop healthily and it sends the message that the choice will be theirs to make when they are older (and more mature and it’s not illegal). Also, some kids respond well to extrinsic motivators. You might be able to offer them an incentive (aka bribery) to avoid or postpone experimenting with drugs.
Teach them about adolescent brain development and neuroscience, so they understand the risks of using drugs and alcohol as well as the short- and long-term effects. The interweb is bursting with great resources on this topic. Here is one.
Come from a place of inquiry. Solicit your child’s opinion from a young age. Ask them why they think people use drugs and/or alcohol. Help them flex their metacognitive muscles so they can start to form their own opinions. When kids are given the opportunity to develop their own opinions and values, they are more likely to stick to them. If your child is already using, ask them why. There may be underlying reasons beyond because it’s fun, I like it, or my friends do it. Often, kids turn to drugs/alcohol as a way to fit in, self-medicate, and/or numb their pain. If your kid is neurodivergent and/ or struggles with mental health issues (depression, anxiety, PTSD), ask yourself if they have all the supports they need.
Articulate your expectations. If you don’t want your child to use drugs or alcohol, let them know that and explain your reasoning to them. I can’t tell you how many teens have said these words to me, “My parent/caregiver knows about it and doesn’t care.” Not saying anything still sends a message–one you may not intend.
Be present, physically and emotionally. The best antidote to adolescent drug use and general tomfoolery is a close relationship with your child. When they feel unconditionally loved and supported, they are more likely to respect your rules and to come to you for advice and help. When you are physically present, they will be less likely (or there is less opportunity for them) to engage in risky behaviors and shenanigans. Establish shared rules and expectations around things like where they hang out, how often they communicate with you, what time they come home after school and at night, etc. Having some rules/boundaries will make them feel safe, even if they complain. Complaining is an adolescent superpower.
Here are some guiding questions you might find useful when talking to your kids about drugs (tweak them as necessary to be age-appropriate):
What do you know about drugs? What do they teach you in school? What have you heard from your friends?
Do you know people who use drugs? What is your experience with drug use?
Why do you think people use drugs?
Are all drugs addictive?
Are some drugs okay and others are not?
How do young people get access to drugs? Are they expensive?
What do you know about the impact of drugs on your body and your brain?
What choices do you think you will make (when you are older) about drug use and why?
When you are ready to facilitate this conversation, put on your “consultant” hat. Before issuing advice, consultants listen. This can be hard for us parents, but it’s vital for these interactions. Consultants are collaborative, non-judgmental, and solicitous. As with all sensitive-topic discussions, do your best to keep the tone light/neutral and if you feel yourself getting upset, take a break. You want to encourage open and ongoing dialog; if your kid feels stressed or senses that you’re stressed, they aren’t going to want to participate.
Also, it might help to give them some questions to think about before diving in:
What are my parent(s)’ values on drugs and alcohol?
What do I know about the effects of drugs and alcohol on my body?
How would my parents feel about me trying drugs and alcohol before the legal age?
How do I feel about trying or doing drugs? Why do I want or not want to try them? Why have I tried them or do I use them?
This is by no means an exhaustive list of things to try and there is no guarantee that even if you do all of the above, it’s going to have the desired results. That’s why I always say, parenting is not for the faint of heart!
As with most things, we are stronger together and we benefit from our collective experiences and wisdom. I’d love to hear from you about your successes and challenges when it comes to helping the young people in your life make healthy choices.