Why There Is No Such Thing As A Parenting Hack

By Lisa Miller

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It's human nature to look for shortcuts, especially nowadays, in our overworked, over-scheduled, and overloaded lives. 

My trusted friend Merriam Webster provides the following, tertiary meaning of a hack (not to be confused with the cough I get several times a year because I'm exhausted): 

Hack (noun): a clever tip or technique for doing or improving something.

Another source says: A life hack is a strategy or technique adopted in order to manage one's time and daily activities in a more efficient way.

Personally, I welcome information on how to streamline my efforts and boost my efficiency--I love clever! In my internet search history, you'll readily find: fitness hacks, meal-prep hacks, life hacks, productivity hacks, etc. 

As a mom who works both in and out of the house, "parent" is just one of the many hats I wear. Eighteen years in, I've learned that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.

But still, it's tempting to seek out sure-fire parenting tricks that will get the job done with less hassle, less emotion, and less personal sacrifice. 

Just for fun, though, if there were such a thing as a parenting hack, I think it would have to be: focus on your emotional connection with your child and prioritize your relationship. 

I often tell families the best thing they can do to restore harmony in their relationship and in their home is to stop the endless barrage of negative feedback and instead focus on making a positive connection with their kid(s). It sounds basic and simple (and it is), but simple is not necessarily easy.

The building blocks of a positive relationship are numerous and time-consuming:

  • Making time to be together (at meals, in the car, at night, on the weekends, etc.)

  • Setting aside your own unrelated, personal objectives (not always, but often)

  • Effectively communicating about all the things

  • Asking questions and showing interest (yes, even in those things you find mind-numbing)

  • Being available (like, completely--and without distractions like your phone)

  • Setting and enforcing boundaries (that are clear and not arbitrary)

  • Meting out rewards and punishments/consequences (judiciously)

  • Resisting the urge to be judgmental and critical all the time

  • Modeling patience, empathy, and emotional regulation (even when your kid is flying off the handle)

  • Modeling flexibility and problem solving

  • Modeling persistence and grit

  • And super important--admitting when you've made a mistake (and apologizing for it if need be)

These are just a few of many.

It turns out that establishing and maintaining a positive connection with our kids is challenging. Sometimes super challenging. It's like any other relationship--it takes work.

So you see, there really is no parenting hack. We just have to buckle up and do the work.

The silver lining? When we take the time and make the effort to get down and dirty in the mud of parenting, the rewards are abundant. Our kid(s) will grow to respect us (and eventually appreciate us), and we up our chances of enjoying a lasting and loving relationship with them. 

Maybe I should have titled this piece: "The Silver Lining of Parenting," or, "Why Silver Linings Are Better Than Hacks."

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