Surviving SIP (Shelter-In-Place)
By Lisa Miller
Let's just keep it real for a minute: this coronavirus pandemic sucks.
For everyone.
It's scary, destabilizing, and life-altering. We are all doing our best to adapt and get through it. But there are times when it feels insurmountable. It's not. Humanity has survived worse and we will get through this.
Together.
Okay. Deep breath. We can do this.
I've connected with lots of other parents on the phone, and via email and video chat, to commiserate, share resources, and offer support. Here are some key takeaways from these conversations:
Your kid is in mourning. They are experiencing real losses and they are grieving those losses. They have lost the daily routine of school, which even if they "hated," provided some intellectual and social-emotional stimulation. They lost the ability to do the things they love in person: socialize, date, play sports, pursue hobbies, etc. Perhaps most tragically, they lost the ability to individuate far from our scrutiny. For them, SIP represents a separation from who they are and were trying to be. It's as if they were learning to fly (or in some cases, already flying high) on their own and suddenly their wings were clipped. And they fell tumbling down to the ground with no opportunity to try again. Because the sky is closed. Indefinitely. Make room for their losses. Try to tap into the last time you felt grief--was it hard to get out of bed? Did you turn inward? Did you lose your appetite for fun? Their grief is not permanent (they will get over it), but it will help if you acknowledge it and accommodate it.
Your kid struggles to regulate their emotions in the best of times. It's not as if we haven't all experienced the occasional meltdown, rage-episode, or cry-fest with our kids. We are used to navigating the sometimes-tumultuous emotional landscape of childhood and adolescence. But this is some next-level sh*t. They are experiencing a barrage of strong, negative emotions right now: sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, disgust--to name a few--and they may not (clearly don't) know how to manage. Their usual coping mechanisms may not be available to them. They may act out in ways you didn't anticipate (Look, mom, I shaved my head). When possible, ask them to share their feelings with you and then listen and validate. Don't try to solve the problem, make suggestions, or find the silver lining. Try just acknowledging how much this sucks for them. There will be time for solutions later (in a family meeting, for example).
Your expectations are too high. I know a lot of us tackled the anxiety and uncertainty of SIP by diving into the "new normal." This meant apocalypse-shopping for supplies we won't be able to consume for months, maybe years; indulging fantasies about how all of this family togetherness was a gift; and setting unrealistic goals about how productive we'd all be working and learning from home. Some of us even created elaborate checklists, schedules, and new world orders that included nightly family puzzling and screen-time limitations. This was our process for coping, but perhaps our kids weren't on board. Or they have a different process (see grief and emotional regulation). For some students, distance learning is a slow death march. They struggled to focus and engage IRL (in real life) and it's even more painful and demoralizing in this brave new, virtual world. They also don't want to be more scheduled than they already were. Most of our kids bristle at checklists and schedules, even though they may be able to acknowledge their usefulness. Our kids' SIP plan might have included sleeping till noon and binge-watching Love is Blind. Try adjusting your expectations regarding productivity, family fun, screentime, and sleep. I'm not saying throw them out, just be realistic about what you are able to accomplish. Bring the whole family into the discussion (see family meeting) and do your best to find that elusive middle ground.
Your parenting is OTT*. Please don't feel defensive. I totally get it. Mine was, too. It's hard to look the other way and bite your tongue when you are confronted 24/7 with your child's, umm, behavior. At least before, they were at school and you were at work the majority of the day (and ignorance was bliss!). Now, every misstep they make, from leaving dirty dishes ev-er-y-where to unsanctioned piercings, is on full display. And so is our parenting. If you don't believe me, ask your kids if you've ramped up your nudging, nagging, and negative feedback-ing. If the answer is no, kudos to you! You're a unicorn! For the rest of us plunger-heads, we need to be mindful of how often we comment and give feedback on all the things. No one enjoys being micromanaged. Take a break from around-the-clock parenting. It might help if you adopted a roommate mentality. Disclaimer: this is so hard to do with your spawn, but will definitely improve your emotional connection with them.
Routines are important, to a point. Life as we know it has been decimated and we are all in our feels about it. To add insult to injury, our (sometimes lagging) executive function skills are being stress-tested to the max. SIP requires us to tap into our time-management skills, flexibility and problem-solving abilities, persistence and grit, and emotional regulation. Frankly, it's exhausting. Routines help us to restore a sense of normalcy and calm. As a family, you get to decide which routines to implement around a variety of topics, which might include how to SIP, online learning, homework time, screen time, sleep, chores, etc. However, there will be times during these loooong days when things won't go as planned. Maybe you won't get all the boxes checked today. And that's okay. Be patient and forgiving with everyone in your family, including yourself, and celebrate the successes, however small (i.e., the dog is still alive).
Family meetings are essential during SIP. Now that you no longer have permission to parent your child 24/7 (see above), you'll need a forum for communicating. Social distancing doesn't mean emotional distancing. How you structure your family meeting time is up to you; maybe you check in once a day for 5-10 minutes, or every other day. Maybe you have a longer discussion once a week. Regardless of when you meet, calendaring it is key. Make sure everyone in the house knows when the next meeting is (I usually send a text reminder). This lets everyone know they will get to have their say, and it gives them the opportunity to think about what they want to say and how they want to say it.
Family meetings are a great way to:
give everyone a voice (take off your "boss" hat and put on your "consultant" hat**);
establish shared goals and expectations (around SIP, chores, time management, sleep, technology, etc.);
monitor progress (re: the above) and make adjustments;
celebrate successes (we didn't kill each other this week):
plan fun family activities (movie night, game night, cooking, etc.);
I strongly encourage you to create an agenda with your entire family. This will invite (not ensure) ownership and participation in the process.
Feeling a little better? I hope so. If you do, please share this with all of the other cooped-up families you know.
I'll leave you with this funny video that sums it up nicely. It's a little dated now, but I'm not tired of watching it yet!
*Urban Dictionary: Over The Top - as in something done outrageously over what it needs to be. May be used by older people trying to sound 'hip'. Yup.
**Bosses tell people what to do. Consultants ask questions and invite feedback.