Don't Toss The Toothpaste!

By Lisa Miller

At Classroom Matters, we talk a lot about scaffolds. We often tell parents their job is to scaffold students by providing loving and gentle support and guidance. It's a tall order, especially during the 'Rona when we're trying to juggle homeschooling, work, emotional angst, etc. 

Nonetheless, we reassure parents: You've got this! You've done this before—probably without even realizing it. Think about toothbrushing, for example. Everyone in the family knows how to do it and hopefully, it’s become a habit*.

Think back to the routines you established; you may have had colorful toothbrushes and flavored Dora the Explorer toothpaste when your kids were little. You may have even had one of those sand timers, so they knew how long to brush. Every night before bed, you probably went into the bathroom with your kid for toothbrushing. You practiced the toothbrushing routine over and over again until it became a habit.

This (toothbrush, toothpaste, timer, parent) was the scaffolding for the routine (toothbrushing) that eventually became a habit (daily toothbrushing). 

We apply this magical-toothbrush thinking to fostering executive skills. As parents, we just need to provide the “right” scaffolding. We are desperate, in fact, to know what that looks like and would sell our souls if we could just get our kids to do what they're supposed to do in school and in life. Please, for the love of goddesses!

But we also hear from exhausted parents that they have already tried (check all that apply):

  • checklists

  • timers

  • schedules

  • planners

  • whiteboards

  • Post-its

  • lots of Post-its

  • social-media-blocking apps

  • internet deprivation

  • bribery/threats

I hear you. I feel your pain. It does often feel like we are Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. 

But just because we've tried something and it hasn't worked the first umpteen times doesn't mean we should give up. The reality is that habits take a long time to establish. According to some research, It can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit and an average of 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic. Doing it. Every. Day. 

And--you may need to sit down for this--we (parents/caregivers) will probably have to be our kids’ prosthetic frontal lobe for much longer than we might like. 

It's neuroscience. Our kids' executive function skills don't fully come online until their mid-twenties (later if you have ADHD). So, let's not set ourselves (and them) up for failure by setting unrealistic (and unreasonable) expectations.

Instead, ask yourself:

Do I ever make mistakes? 

Forget things? 

Run late? 

Double book? 

Lose my cool? 

Put something off? 

Give up?


If you answered yes to any of these and you have a fully-developed prefrontal cortex, perhaps you might ask yourself why you hold your kiddos to a standard even you cannot meet? 

Instead, do your best to model what it looks like to plan, reflect, shift, persist, and begin again. Because that's what it looks like when we are trying to learn something new and challenging. The process is as important as the outcome, and failure is part of the process**. 

In other words, just because our kids aren't brushing their teeth consistently doesn't mean we should toss the toothbrush and the toothpaste. We still need those tools and so do our children. Consider this reframe: brushing teeth occasionally is better than not brushing them at all (well, maybe not according to your dentist, but you get the point). 

If your kid manages to use an executive-function scaffold even once, that is progress! Celebrate and encourage this. Ask them how it felt and what they need from you to make it happen again. And then do your best to be available to scaffold and reinforce the routine. 

Because you never know when your teen is going to be in a situation where they will want fresh breath!


*Disclaimer: you may think that you've solidified a habit only to discover that it's not as entrenched as you thought. Regression during stressful times (adolescence, puberty, a global pandemic) is normal. Don't be too hard on yourself (or them) if you are still reminding your kids to brush their teeth.

**FAIL=First Attempt In Learning

Classroom Matters