Tree & Apple Parenting

By Tatiana Guerreiro Ramos

Does any of these dynamics resonate with you?

Unhappily-ADHD parenting unhappily-ADHD.

Anxiety parenting anxiety.

Insecurity parenting insecurity.

Fear parenting fear.

Unclear parenting unclear.

Overwhelmed parenting overwhelmed.

Dysregulation parenting dysregulation.

Whatever form it takes, most of us are doing some version of this. Because our children usually mirror back what we are experiencing/have experienced in our own lives.

We might not even realize we are doing it because that first part of the dynamic is just who we are - who we’ve always been. Before we ever had kids. And whatever issues came up as a result of the fear or anxiety or dysregulation - those issues affected only us.

Now, however, those issues also affect the little (and not so little) humans we are raising - humans who might not have fallen far from their parental trees. So the issues that used to feel like things we could resolve in therapy, or with our friends, are now on full display and blared back at us by our spawn.

And that, my friend, can lead to co-escalating.

You probably know what I’m talking about, even if you don’t know the phrase.

CO-ESCALATING is that thing we do where our kids get worked up, dysregulated, overwhelmed, anxious, ADHD-y, and insecure - and then WE GET THE SAME WAY.

Even though it’s, like, the LEAST helpful way to respond. Right up there with taking a switch to their butts.

Here’s how it goes.

Spawn: I HATE SCHOOL!!! This is so STUPID! I’m NOT going ANY-more!

You: Oh. Yeah. That’ll help your grades! I can’t WAIT to see your report card! You hate school because you’re not working hard enough!!!

Spawn: That’s what you always say! You just think I’m DUMB and can’t do anything!

You: Well, if you tried harder we wouldn’t be having this conversation!

You get the idea. One outburst escalates the next.

That’s co-escalating.

And we all do it. Mostly when we are exhausted and worn out from ALL. THE. THINGS.

The problem is it makes us even more exhausted and worn out. Because it leads to disconnection. From our kiddos. From ourselves. From parenting. From what’s important.

It also breaks my guiding parenting rule: connect BEFORE you correct.

What we need to do instead of co-escalate is to CO-REGULATE.

How do we get to CO-REGULATING?

It’s pretty simple.

Not easy.

But simple.

We breathe.

Breathing gives us room and space to take a minute. To get out of our reptilian brains and into our thinking brains. To find and put on our future glasses and see that the co-escalating path = wounding.

Breathing helps us dig down deep and find our empathy muscle, and use our future glasses to see that co-regulating = connection.

Co-regulating lifts us up and helps us offer a hand to our little ones (yes, they are still our little ones, even in their teens!) as they navigate big feelings and overwhelming emotions.

Here’s how it should go (and you should absolutely try this at home!):

Spawn: I HATE SCHOOL!!! This is so STUPID! I’m NOT going ANY-more!

You: Hey - I can see you’re really upset. Do you want to talk about it or do you need to go hit a pillow first?

Spawn: That’s what you always say! You just think I’m DUMB and can’t do anything!

(Your kiddo will likely respond the same way they always have when you first start co-regulating; just stay the course.)

You: It makes me sad that I’ve said things in the past to make you feel that way. I would love to do some repair and help you see how amazing you are.

Spawn: You’re acting weird. But yeah, maybe it would be helpful to talk about this.

You: I hope it won’t seem so weird at some point. I would really love to be a soft place for you to land, especially with school stuff, since I remember also being super frustrated with homework.

Spawn: Okay, using weird language again. Wait, you got super frustrated with homework?!

(Yes! An in! Keep it up, parental unit, you’re killing it!)

Once you’ve managed to do some repair and re-connect, co-regulating will help create new Tree & Apple parenting dynamics:

Secure parenting secure.

Regulated parenting regulated.

Happily-ADHD parenting happily-ADHD.

Brave parenting brave.

LOVE PARENTING LOVE.